5 Really's

Disclaimer: The term "5 Really's" is inspired by the MTV Show Finding Carter. I did not create the term "5 Really's. No copyright infringement intended."

10 years. 10 LONG years. Ok fine. 9 years, 11 months, and 16 days. 9 years, 11 months, and 16 days. I'm finally getting my happy ending. We've waited this much, endured this long, and maybe hoped even longer. And now I'm here. We're here. I stand in front of a door; and behind this door is the start of my happy ending. 

We met at school, both 19. We belonged to the same student org but moved in different circles, our interactions very limited - only when necessary. Yes, every now and then, we would pass each other at the hall, say our polite hello's, acknowledge each other's presence but nothing more than that. 

We were unaware of each other until he started hanging out with my circle of friends, and consequently with me. At first there was no real chemistry, he was friends with my friends and that was it. Then chocolates and nostalgia came in to play, and something just sparked. 

"I really like you," I would say. 

"I really, really like you," he would respond. 

I would laugh and raise him with, "I really, really, really like you."

To this he would playfully reply with, "I really, really, really, really like you."

We would play this game often, and then one day when we recited these lines to each other, I decided to play with him, half meaning it (mostly scared to admit it), laughing when I said, "You have to be careful with your "really's." Do you know that saying really five times followed with "like you" means that you love the person?" 

"5 really's?" He asked. "I really, really, really, really," he paused and with a sigh said, "really like you." 

I can still remember his face that exact moment he told me five really's. And for three years, I held on to his 5 really's. For 3 years, every time I felt like giving up or every time I felt that he wanted to give up, I held on to 5 really's. 

We were good friends more than anything but I guess that was our downfall too. And in the end, he chose our friendship over our what-could-have-been. He moved on, fell in love, got married and started a family. Without me. 

I tried to do the same, I tried to move on. And I did, I actually thought I did. Until we saw each other a few years back. He was still married, his son about six at that time. And we started a friendship. At first it really was just that - a friendship. But I love him, I think I never did stop loving him. And so we started this affair. Alternate email addresses, fake phonebook names, secret rendezvous, discreet phone calls - all behind his wife's back. He loves me, he says. Leaving me was a mistake, he swears. We will be together soon, he promises. 

And so here we are. Here I am, standing outside our "together." I rushed here after he called me earlier to tell me that he was finally leaving his wife. 

"Mommy, why is she standing outside that door like that?" I turn around and a a boy about seven or eight inquires of me to his mother. She smiled apologetically to me, before whisking him away. I was still watching them leave when the door opened. My happy ending led me inside the room, asked to me to wait as he finishes gathering his things. He moved from room to room, picking his stuff up, joyfully recounting how he reached his decision, convincingly telling himself how he will still be a father to his son despite the situation. But all I could hear was the little boy's voice and his question,"Why is she standing outside the door like that?" Over and over again. "Why is she standing outside the door like that?" Why was I standing outside his door? What am I doing here? 

And so the tears began. So lost in his own thoughts, he barely noticed my tears as I wiped them away. He smiled sympathetically to me before he moved to the other room to continue gathering his things. And as he left me standing there, I grabbed the notepad by his bedside table and scribbled "5 Really's" but quickly crossed it out before finally deciding to write, "I'm sorry."

I opened the door, took one step, and another, and another. Until I found myself walking away.

My happy ending is just starting.